Writing and Streaming (along with some life stuff!)

 I've not had another editing crack at that longer story yet.

 I was kind of worn out on the whole editing thing after I finished the last edit, so I need to get back to that.

 Lately I've been working on an epic fantasy story. There's a lot of information about it on my tumblr, I'll be tagging it all with the same tag to make it easier to find at some point. I'm not sure what the tag will be, but I'll post when I've done it on this blog as well as my tumblr.

 It's about thirteen and a half thousand words at the moment, and I have a hefty cast of characters planned for it. A lot of them are quite minor, but you need bit part characters, otherwise you'll find yourself with a small cast who are all inexplicably related to each other (coughOnceUponATime/cough).

 I should probably post on here about it.

 I've got some worldbuilding notes that would make sense to go up here, and I'm planning on posting the full short story here about how one of the characters ended up in his current position.

 At the moment I'm slowly building it scene by scene on my tumblr account, but once it's done there I'll edit it and have the final polished version up here for you all to read.

 So my short story to do list consists of:

1. Finish editing Two Thousand Lenses for submission to a literary agent
2. Finish and edit The End of Holger's Military Career
3. Come up with a snappier title for that
4. Finish that Lois Lane/Batman story I posted up the first half of up on AO3 last year because I see people giving it kudos and I shouldn't leave it unfinished. Seriously, I got Kudos on it today, and three weeks ago, that means there's at least two people who want to read it.

 I've got a lot to pack into my schedule, especially since I'm starting an introduction to electrical work course the week after next.

 I'm pretty excited.

 The only downside is that I need to get there by half eight two days a week and that's intimidating to the vampire that I am.

 I've started getting up at 6:30 and going to bed at 22:00. I'm not used to it yet, so I'm really tired during the day.

 I'll get used to it soon enough, though.

 Finally, I've started streaming. I did some a while ago, some yesterday and some today, and I'm going to stream once a week from 19:00 GMT on a Thursday. Which is also a challenge, 'cause that's one of the days my course is on from 8:30.

 I'm trying to challenge myself more because the only way I'm going to get better and be able to support myself is by being able to handle hard work and more of it.

 Part of that is starting to post on here more often, so expect some world building posts on that Epic Fantasy Story.

Why I Cut My Hair

 For the last ten years I've been growing my hair long.

 For the last few years it's been longer than waist length and before I cut it, it was at tail bone length.

 It was my pride and joy, I loved my hair.

 I brushed it thoroughly every day, I soaked it in conditioner, I even oiled it. I would avoid washing it in order to try and keep it healthy (before you think 'ew', you'd be amazed at what the aforementioned brushing could do to keep it presentable).

 I'd plait it every night before bed, I bought a shower cap so I could keep it dry while I showered between washes, I bought satin scrunchies, I even bought a satin scarf to put on at night.

One o' these.

 I'd always let it air dry, unless I was in a huge hurry, so it wouldn't get heat damage despite the fact that it would take several hours to do so.

 I looked after my hair like I was a middle class Edwardian housewife.

 It was my crowning glory and I treated it as such.

 But then I got ill, and I just kept getting iller.

 It got to the point that I couldn't even muster up the motivation to brush my hair everyday. I'd leave it in a ponytail or bun for days at a time, and it inevitably ended up getting matted and de-matting it turned into a distressingly frequent task.

 I thought about cutting it for months, but I kept putting it off, just getting it trimmed occasionally.

 But then I had to stop ignoring it. I'd been mistreating it to the point where I had splits halfway up hair shafts and I was constantly finding split ends. And once there are split ends, there's nothing that can be done to salvage it, it needs to be cut off.

 I'd have to cut nearly half of it off anyway, so I decided to get a bob.

 So I went from this:

 To this:

 And let me tell you, I don't regret it at all.

 I'll follow up with another post about writing hair with my experience of having long hair and some of the things I'd learned about long hair in history during my time as a brunette Rapunzel.

To be honest...

 I'm not really feeling up to anything as time or labour intensive as an LP post today. I'll get Part Seven done for Friday.

 I'll try and get something up today, but I can't guarantee it.

Finally feeling better

 These last few days have been awful in terms of my mood.

 Once again I was laid low by PMS. Some months it's a real nightmare.

 I'm going to start posting again on Monday.

Good news, everybody!

I have my laptop back!

 Normal service can resume!

 Well, except the Final Fantasy VIII post tomorrow, but that was always going to be a long shot.

 I'm glad to have my laptop back, but I'm still really angry at the service I recieved. I know for a fact that they didn't even touch it until Saturday, and when I asked for a refund (because it was two weeks and I gave them fifty pounds [which is seventy seven usd]) I was given the old 'well, other people had to wait too'.

 Like fifteen other people being severely inconvenienced somehow makes severely inconveniencing me not a problem.

 Heck, I happened to overhear a guy who'd just got back from holiday and he seemed to think this entire mess was unacceptable.

 To be fair to Currys PC World, the KnowHow twitter people have been really helpful, it may very well just be this one guy.

 Either way, I have had severe bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts and feelings and have actually hurt myself over this, so I am going to pursue a complaint and a refund.

 That guy royally fucked up, they were warned a week ago that I'm a vulnerable adult and all that's been happening is that my totally unwarranted patience with them has been abused.

 This may be the first time I've wanted someone fired for screwing me over instead of someone else.

 That may seem extreme, but I could have ended up dead.

 In less depressing news, I'm going to upload a video that's been trapped on my laptop for the past two weeks in a moment, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

I still don't have my laptop back

 I gave it to PC World on the second and they said four days, then on the eighth they said it would be one or two days and we're two hours away from the thirteenth right now.

 I'd go and get it back from them, but I don't know where else I could get it fixed.

 There's no way that I'm going to be able to get the Final Fantasy VIII post up on Tuesday since the likelihood that they'll have fixed it by tomorrow is really small.

 I'm really sorry, but there is literally nothing I can do about this.

 This whole thing has been a massive strain. It's actually getting to the point that if they piss me about for much longer, I'm probably going to end up hurting myself.

 All I wanted was my computer fixed.

Thirty

 This poem is inspired by the pattern I go through when I go to get a new prescripton for my medication.

 It was also an experiment in style. I'm better at strict form poetry, but I'm pretty happy with this one.

Thirty

Two little white pills
Ten and twenty everyday
 
Running out
Go to get some more
 
Up for eight
Call the surgery
 
See the doctor
"Are they helping?"
 
Smile and shrug
"It could be much worse."

Hannibal Lecter is Not a Sociopath and Neither Are You

 And while we're at it, neither is Sherlock Holmes.

 I know this looks like 'Why I'm not Divergent, and neither are you', but unlike that, this isn't going to be tagged as an uninformed opinion about a book I have not read.

 Because I have read Red Dragon and, let's make it perfectly clear here, in Red Dragon it states that the only reason that Hannibal Lecter is called a sociopath is because they don't have anything else to call him.

 Let us be clear, psychopathy is a thing. It's a dangerous thing and it can severely disrupts an individual's life and the lives of those aroud them.

 Sociopathy, on the other hand is the learned form of psychopathy.

 People like the term sociopath because it gives them the 'I'm gonna fuck with your head' smartness of a psychopath without the stigma of it being an inherent problem.

 The thing is, while sociopathy is hypothetically possible, it's not a thing anyone has ever actually observed, because the only way to socialise anyone into that kind of behaviour is to do it on purpose and basically from birth.

 And who has that kind of time?

 Honestly, the only kind of person who would raise a sociopath is a psychopath.

 Red Dragon is relevant in this conversation because it helps to show exactly why people calling themselves sociopaths is both stupid, and not as cool as they think it is.

 Remember, symptomatically, sociopaths and psychopaths are identical, it's the cause that is different.

 Which brings me to Francis Dolarhyde, a man I find both sympathetic and disgusting. (It's the teeth thing, it hits my mental gag reflex incredibly hard.)

 There are chapters devoted to his life's history, and they cover two of the big reasons why referring to oneself as a sociopath is not as cool as people think it is.

 One, because people don't like those who torture and kill animals for their own amusement.

 Two, because one of the symptoms of psychopathy is bed wetting.

 Oh, sure, you can stick 'high functioning' on it as much as you want, but that doesn't make either of those diagnostic symptoms magically disappear.

 See, a high functioning alcoholic can function pefectly well in public and through life, but they are still destroying their own livers with ethanol.

 If you're a high functioning anything, you can basically function in society perfectly (or mostly) fine, but you're still the other thing and still suffer from issues and symptoms relating to it.

 The reasons that Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss seem to think that 'high functioning' sociopath sounds cool is because:

 One, they didn't bother to do their research and find out what a sociopath is (which is funny in a rather pitiful way)

 Two, they probably think that high functioning autism is the cause of the whole 'savant' thing, which is wrong. Being high functioning means being a  fully functioning person, not a genius. It's a useful descriptor entirely because there are autistic people and alcoholics who can function perfectly well in society as well as ones who cannot. (If it sounds like I'm lumping autistic people in with alcoholics, it's because that's how medical science uses it. They could use it for a lot more, I'm not sure why they don't.)

 Honestly, the entire reason that the term sociopath exists in the first place is because one guy found that the word psychopath was used inconsistently and identified that what we now call psychopathy generally manifests as anti-social behaviour.

 So even if you deny that a sociopath is a socialised psychopath, it remains that the two words have been used by medical science to describe the same thing.

  At best it's a vague term with no real definite diagnosis, in the case of Hannibal Lecter (who probably just doesn't care), and at worst you're calling yourself a psychopath.

 Congratulations, you're telling other people that you wet the bed (at least to an unusual age) and torture and kill animals.

 That's so cool!

Let's Talk About... PMS

 I don't care if you think it's icky, this is a conversation that needs to be had.

 I know there's a tendency for certain cisgendered men to put anything a woman says that they don't like down to 'her being on her period', which is incredibly misogynistic and incredibly stupid.

 Clearly, they want to put it down to PMS, but they also clearly don't even know what the hell they're talking about.

 Exactly what do they think the 'P' in PMS stands for?

 It stands for 'pre', which means before guys. It's not 'puring menstrual syndrome'.

 You make yourselves look like idiots as well as misogynists when you accuse a woman of being on her period.

 If you're wondering why I'm bringing this up, my own PMS was partly responsible for my absence this week.

 (If that's too much information, you need to rethink your priorities. I'm of childbearing age, it was overwhelmingly likely that I would have a fully functioning reproductive system. Don't throw a hissy fit just because you've had that confirmed.)

 The menstrual cycle comes with a suite of hormonal changes, these cause a series of issues in a woman's body. Including, but not limited to, skin issues and mood swings.

 (I'm concentrating on cisgendered women in this because I am one. Also, my period makes me hate my body, thinking about how transgendered men feel is very depressing.)

 Since we're talking about PMS, let's have a quick talk about the hormones that change prior to the actual menstruation. Basically, oestrogen goes on a holiday and the body is suddenly more heavily affected by testosterone.

 Yup, you read that right. When men think women are at their most unreasonable is when their hormones are most like those of a man's.

 (This is also the cause of hormonal acne in women.)

 For me personally, these hormonal changes make my mood more... fragile. It takes a lot less than it would otherwise to upset me. Since I'm already depressed, this is a real problem.

 Inconsequential things can cause a horrible dip in my mood, which was pretty much what happened last weekend.

 I wasn't posting this week because I hadn't really recovered from that dip.

 I feel much better now, so things should be getting back on track.

 Hopefully.

This is a public service announcement

 As you're all probably aware, I'm very ill.

 This is why I've missed so many FF8 posts lately.

 I'm afraid that the situation has gotten so bad that I feel that the best course of action is to take a full week off from these posts and build up a supply of them, so that if I'm ill like this again, I can keep posting for you guys.

 I will be posting other things during this week.

 I'll put up some new drabbles for the rabble, and I have an idea for a new 'Oh My God, I Love...' post. I'll also put up a Let's Rework post as well.

 If you have any requests or suggestions, then feel free to let me know down in the comments, or via my Twitter or Tumblr.

 As always, the Masterpost is there if you'd like to reread any of the posts.

 The next post will be up on Tuesday 16th September.

  Again, I'm really sorry about this, but it's the best I can do given the situation.

 Thank you for your understanding.

Update

 As you may have noticed, there was no post yesterday.

 This is because I've hit a particularly bad place with my depression these last few days.

 I'm going to post the next FF8 post on Saturday so I can take the next few days a bit easier.

A little update

 I'm sorry about the lack of posts over the weekend, if you follow me on tumblr or twitter then you know what happened, but if you don't, here's a quick explanation.

 I've been really badly depressed this last couple of weeks, and Birmingham Healthy Minds finally got back to me. Which is good because I dipped over into the realm of being suicidal and as a result I was transferred over to the Community Mental Health Team.

 I had my appointment with them on Friday, which was draining, so I was too tired to write my scheduled Final Fantasy VIII post that day.

 Then on Saturday my mood took a nosedive and I didn't feel like I could control my suicidal urges any more. So I went to the hospital like I was advised to during the BHM appointment.

 I left the hospital at two o'clock in the morning and ended up staying the night at my sister's, but not getting much sleep. The crisis team saw me in the morning, and then I came back home and slept all day.

 And today I went to see the care at home team's doctor, and had to go back a couple of hours later.

 It's been rough.

 I'm gonna take it easy for a couple of days, but hopefully I'll get the next FFVIII post up on Thursday. I'll also try to get a couple of smaller posts up in the mean time.

I know it's late in the day, but...

 I'm going to take the rest of this week off from my blog.

 One of the things about having depression is that your mood can take a sudden and dramatic dive when you least expect it.

 Mine's just done that, and I don't get the feeling it'll perk back up any time soon.

 I'm really sorry about this, but there won't be a new post until Tuesday.

Godammit

Look's like it's going to be another Wed, Thurs, Fri week for FF8.

Sorry guys, I've been feeling awful for the last two days, hopefully I'll feel better after a good night's sleep tonight.

Day eleven, a quickie update and a love affair with Pokemon

 Damnit, I meant twelfth.

 The black dog has reared its head again.

 No, not Faiz. If it was her, obviously I would have said she ;-)

 By the black dog I mean depression and that I'm a little pretentious for referencing Churchill.

 My word count has plummeted, and right now I am five thousand words behind the projected target for today, and it's just going to get worse tomorrow.

 I feel like the most I can write in any given day is 2,000 words, and that's not terribly consistent.

 -sigh-

 Right now I'm just playing Pokemon and trying to cheer myself up.

 I feel as though my stress is ninjaing its way into ruining my life again, as it's easy to miss until I feel absolutely awful and am contemplating something particularly stupid.

 It's my birthday on the 14th and I don't feel like I want a birthday, like I don't deserve it.

 Anyway, some cheerful news.

 I've drawn in adult Joker on my fan art and I am planning an extra special Game of Thrones fanart. It's going to be amazing.

 I'm also really loving Pokemon Black 2. I think it's rapidly over taking Soul Silver as my favourite Pokemon game. For the last eleven years I have maintained that Gold and Silver (and then HG and SS as improved versions) were the best Pokemon games, but now I think they have at the very least an equal, if they haven't been surpassed.

 I found White something of a bore, but Black 2 took most, if not all of my issues and fixed them. Apart from triple battles, I still hate those; although they have less diverse triple battle teams so it's more manageable and I do absolutely love rotation battles.

 I also found something pretty funny that I want to share with you. I'll get to showing it to you all tomorrow, for now, Genny, Tarka, Thorny, Misty, Nosey and Steve are calling me and Liza's keen to get back in the action (Misty's in training so she'll evolve).

 Also, I need to work on getting Flopsy to stop hating me. Seriously, she actively hates my guts. I have no idea why, as I haven't done anything to her at all since catching her, and other Pokemon I've stored right after catching don't actively hate me.

 Ugh, it's all gotten so wonderfully complicated.

 NaNoWriMo word count: 15,282

 Novel count: 20,943

Day three and progress on NaNoWriMo

 So far, so good.

 After my horrible dip, I couldn't get the first chapter finished in time for the first.

 But, I did get it finished on the first day of NaNoWriMo!

 And now I'm about half to two thirds of the way through chapter two and getting a good start on NaNoWriMo in case I have another dip during the month. Which is entirely likely, because guess who has to deal with Atos?

 Yes, I have to deal with Atos. I'm just going to have to hope that they won't conflate writing for fun, which I can't always do, with being able to cope with being made to search for work in an increasingly depressing economy. Before I was put on ESA, applying for a job and not even getting a rejection email did not help improve my mood.

 Anyway, in other news, my doctor says he's going to push for me to get counselling, which is a huge help. The sooner I get into counselling, the sooner I can start to gain the confidence to get on with my life and not be overwhelmed by my family situation.

 Current Word Count: 4,671

One day to go, a day in the life of a depressive

 As you well know, I didn't write a post yesterday. That is because nothing got done. At all.

 After writing the post the day before yesterday, my depression got triggered, and regardless of the fact that the trigger is no longer a concern, I'm still feeling the effects.

 In the hours after the trigger happened, I was so distressed that I couldn't sleep, and only watching videos of cats, rabbits and octopuses combined with 'Icanhascheezeburger' was I able to sleep.

 Yesterday, I suffered fatigue and the muscles in my back kept seizing up as well as feeling like I was going to cry all day. This is not mentioning the feelings of self harm.

 Today was better, but I'm still feeling down, a bit cry-ey and my back muscles are still playing up.

 So not much done in the way of writing and planning.

 Right now, my priorities are down to finishing this chapter and getting twiglets on that 2 for 1 deal at Tescos, because I love twiglets and yeast extract has a bunch of b vitamins in, which I think are meant to help with mood. Also, it has folic acid, which is supposed to help fend off anaemia. It's apparently really good during pregnancy, so that's good, if completely inapplicable in this situation.

 Success on NaNoWriMo seems unlikely at this point, but I'm still going to attempt it. Because even if I fail, I'll have done something.