Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Guest Post: Murphy Rants About... The Apprentice S10E4

 This week, the contestants were making Youtube videos to appeal to the bairns, and if that doesn’t terrify you, I don’t know what will.

 Things very quickly went downhill. Tenacity decided that their video would be ‘Fat Daddy’, a fitness video based around an ageing slightly overweight lawyer being embarrassed at his inability to get fit. That’s it, that’s the concept, and if that sounds unfunny and awkward, allow me to assuage your fears by telling you that it involves said ageing lawyer repeatedly hitting a punching bag while yelling ‘fatdaddyfatdaddyfatdaddyfatdaddy’, said ageing lawyer having a fitness instructor screaming at him that he’s Fat Daddy because he’s so useless and stupid, and said ageing lawyer yelling ‘I am your Fat Daddy’ at a camera.

  It’s as if aliens only heard about comedy from second hand descriptions of Nash Grier and decided to emulate it as their first contact with humans. I cringed every time I saw that team doing anything, and apparently so did Buzzfeed, who it was being pitched to, as they spent the entire pitch looking like they were trapped in a room with a monster clown blocking the only exit, and decided not to put it on their site.

  Summit, meanwhile, did ‘Dare to Dine’, a cooking video of some description. It was cringeworthy, involving Roisin and James as a comedy duo (Roisin being there, apparently, because ‘we need a girl!’, something that seemingly rather offended her, possibly because she’s a) A grown woman, b) The most successful businessperson in that team, and c) It’s kind of horrible to say she’s only in the video because they ‘need a girl’).

  Buzzfeed actually liked this one okay, but they chose not to put it on their site either, and one of them had apparently written ‘Kill James’ on their clipboard. I like you, Buzzfeed executive. You’ve got gumption.

  Tenacity and … sigh, Fat Daddy, lost, and team leader Ella chose to bring Sarah and Stephen the Annoying Canadian back in. Highlights of the board room include Sarah insisting that Ella is threatened by her (nobody has ever been threatened by Sarah, I think), Stephen screaming that he wasn’t confrontational, and this conversation, paraphrased below:

“I want to set up an online dating website,” says Sarah.
“Have you ever run a dating business?” Asks Lord Sugar.
“I have trialled a few!” Sarah says, with vim.
“She means that she’s used some other online dating websites. For dating. As a customer,” says Ella.
“... Is that what you meant?” Asks Lord Sugar, rapidly growing weary.
“Yes,” Sarah says.

  In the end, Lord Sugar fired all three - Stephen first, then Sarah, then Ella - in what is an unprecedented move on the show. To be honest, both Stephen and Sarah should have left a long time ago. Now just James needs to leave and all the worst candidates will be gone.

  Next week, two dozen poor beleaguered tourists are going to be trapped in buses with our contestants, wishing for the ground to swallow them whole and end their suffering.

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